When Trauma Speaks…Don’t Forget to Panic

Written by: Helen Cook

Since I signed on that dotted line, I have never regained complete control over my mind and body.

The demon inside is now fully awake. You thought it reared its head in the past; my dear, you were sadly mistaken. This beast carves its path without caring what or whom it destroys. You have no idea what awaits, and when least expected, the flames will have already engulfed you.

Did you think I would go down without a fight? Did you think I was weak? Did you know I will live in your head, thoughts, dreams, nightmares, and any other space I can creep into and squat rent-free? I will forever haunt you in ways one could never imagine. When you wash your face in the mornings, I will be waiting in your reflection as you stare into the mirror. You will have to face me in this life or the next.

I gladly smile and offer my services escorting you to a private hell. Fear not; it has been reserved just for you all these years. I can teach you how to pray for death on the way. Spoiler alert it won’t come to you that easily. It’s ok; you will get accustomed to the disappointment. The anger and pain help to ease the blow HA, just kidding. They are more like aftershocks you experience from an earthquake. The torment is a slow, agonizing guessing game. It starts with a stomach ache of uncertainty; food will no longer be enjoyable; the smell causes instant nausea and vomiting. Your physical appearance will not be recognizable as weight disappears as quickly as breath on a cold day.

Now that I can create a physically displeasing response in your body, it is only a matter of time before your mind is all mine! Inch by inch, outside in, however I can, I will consume you. Once you have become physically weak, your mind will be easier to play tricks on and convince it of unfathomable truths. Then let paranoia slither into the foreground of your thoughts, question every noise heard, each passer-by, plan eighteen different exit strategies with countless scenarios, check the perimeter, and secure any weak areas. Just like that, hypervigilance becomes your new best friend. This, too, will be ok because you will learn this asshole is in charge and what is said goes. Say again, oh…not used to your power being taken? Not used to being controlled? Are you scared? It would be best if you are terrified; fear of the unknown is consuming and cannibalizes your body from the inside out. There is also a burning sensation throughout your body; IT IS ME!

Nevertheless, it gets better, do not fret. Think of this as a learning process of this newfound friendship. Just some bumps and bruises along the way, I promise. For instance, after vomiting, you will learn what that awful burning taste was all about and store it for next time. There will be a next time guaranteed. You guys will be well acquainted sooner than later. However, there is a catch; never could it be so simple, especially with such a new adjustment. You will discover everything is one-sided and not your side, either.

No, we are going to a place darker than the pits of your black soul. Confusion is starting to join the party. Things are rounding the corner of interest. This tells me your mental health is dwindling. I bet you my left arm, oh hell, my right one as well, for some giggles, that your mind is teetering between the thoughts of losing your ever-living mind and denial. The gears have switched on and begun to spin. Thought after thought, scenario after scenario played through, or anything remotely possible starts bouncing around your head like a ping pong ball attempting to make sense of what is occurring. You desperately search for some plausible explanation I mean, after all, you are not crazy! HAHAHA, or are you? I love the smell of self-doubt, especially in its infancy stage, so fresh and new.

There is nothing in comparison to what awaits your mind. Meddling in the most inner personal corners of your mind and thoughts to be rewarded with all your vulnerabilities being exploited and weaponized. As promised, more shit; start educating yourself about panic. Do not be afraid to start getting familiar with the side effects.

Prepare to be held hostage indefinitely.

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