Written by: DeAnna Erdmann
I don’t like loud noises. My Daddy tells me stories of when I was little and I used to cry when hand dries were being used in public bathrooms. I know he’s telling the truth because most of the time I want to cover my ears with my hands instead of drying them.
Sometimes my big sister gets mad at my mom and she will yell. Honestly, my mommy tries hard not to yell, but sometimes she yells right back at my sister. I hate their loud voices. My big sister is smad, which means sad and mad all at once. She told me that one time and I think she was telling the truth. I get sad when my mom and my sister yell, but it’s mainly because I can feel how sad my sister is about the stuff that happens at her dads house. I get a little mad at my mom for not making it better and I get mad at my sister for yelling at mom. I guess that means that I am sad and mad… you know, smad.
I will get so smad when my mommy and my sister have all of those big feelings at each other. My mom tells my sister that it’s ok to have big feelings, but it’s not ok to be mean to someone when you are in that feeling. My sister will tell mommy that she can’t help it, that she can’t stop. I think that’s true. I know my sister loves my mommy, but when she is smad she says some mean things. I like that mommy will hug her and hold her after all the yelling.
Mommy will often give me a tablet and send me to my room when my sister is having a big feeling. I try to pretend like I can’t hear them, but sometimes it is just impossible to not hear. I get sad for my sister having to go to her dads. I get sad that she misses mommy and daddy and me so much. I get mad that mommy can’t make it better. When all those feelings grow bigger they just well up and pour down my face. When mommy comes to check on me she will wipe my tears and ask what’s wrong. It always makes me cry harder as I tell mommy what I am sad or mad about. Mommy will kiss my head and tell me that it’s ok to feel for what someone else is going through, but that I need to work on not letting it make me sad, that I shouldn’t let it ruin my day.
I lean into mommy’s shoulder and I can tell that she is feeling sad and mad for my sister and me too. Mommy smooths my hair and says “You, me, and sis can work on not letting big feelings ruin our days together. Come one sweetie, let’s go get sis and go for a walk and start our do over.”
I wipe my face and follow her out. I know she is telling the truth when she says it is ok to have big feelings, we just shouldn’t be mean about it and if we do, we can always apologize and have a do over.