A Blog About Humans

Written by DeAnna Erdmann

It has recently been brought to my attention that some of my blog followers don’t know how to develop a relationship with their humans. I don’t have all the answers, as I have only trained one human, but I will do my best to help. Please continue reading to learn my techniques for the care and upkeep of a human.

When you first acquire your human you should hide behind everything: couches, chairs, curtains, and beds are some of my favorites. Humans like a good game of chase and coercion, so making them attempt to lure you out will solidify their codependency with you and also get you treats and head rubs. It is important that they know that you don’t need them and that they are not to be trusted.

Second, I like to pretend that I don’t know where the litterbox is as least once or twice in the first week with the human. Having them clean up your poo and pee will let them know who’s boss. It establishes the knowledge that if they step out of line you will poop in their shoe. I know disciplining your human can be tough, but it is important for their growth and development that they know who runs the show.

Third, make sure that you don’t over stimulate your human. Too much love and affection can affect the human in negative ways. For example, they might expect you to sit on their lap every time they sit down. It is very important to their health that they constantly wonder if you’re mad at them. Stay away from them often, choosing places that are high and hidden to nap in. A good amount of sadness in their face is the best indicator that you are treating them appropriately. If they seem in despair, you might have gone too far and will need to cuddle in their lap for several evenings straight.

I often like to stand by my food and water to wail at my human. Sometimes there is food and water in each bowl, but I want to train her to listen to each of my demands. I will yowl until both my food and water have been changed and often I will even be given a yummy treat in their desperation to try to comply with my wants and desires.

Lastly, remember that your humans need to exercise their dexterity. They will periodically bring you little gifts, perhaps a mouse on a string. Make sure you show joy at their gift by swatting at it and attempting to kill it. I know that you know it is fake, but it allows the human to flex their wrists and fingers as they play with you. This exercise also increases their attachment to you and it furthers their desire to please you as their master.

Well, my faithful readers, these are just a few of the ways I train a newly gotten human. If you find these helpful give this blog post a paws up. I am curious to hear what each of you do as you train up your humans, so please remember to comment below. Tune in next week for our discussion on what forms of punishment are appropriate for what human behavior.

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